The Desire to Sink
It was, for the first twenty-four an anvil. No, a dozen anvils pressing me into the hotel bed. I was glad for them, hoping they might press me into nothingness, where I thought you might be. In my dream I decorated them with flowers and snot. When I woke up, they began to float up and away. I wanted to scream don’t leave me, but a sock had been stuffed into my mouth while I slept. I got out of the bed. I discovered one sad anvil attached to my ankle with a rattling death chain. I had to stay in my pajamas because I couldn’t get my pants off. I got on the elevator, went down to the breakfast buffet. I worried the clanking of the chain would disturb the hotel guests. I worried no one but me could hear the clanking. I ate bacon straight from the steam table vat. The grits made me too sad. I worried that I might begin to wail and the men in their zip up fleece PGA Master’s tournament vests would call security. I was vibrated back to a sort of reality when the hospital called to say your body was on the move across Charleston. The next hour I entered the memory maze, where I will be lost for years, counting the seconds between your last breaths. Walking in circles around the hotel pool- eighty-six thousand four hundred one, eight-six thousand four hundred two. The anvil and chain made a slow dragging rhythm. When I looked up, I saw you brother, looking down from the roof top bar, lingering angel drinking a vodka on the rocks. Your new ghost liver works just fine. You shouted CAREFUL! Watching me teeter around the edge, knowing well the dangers of the deep end and the desire to sink.
Cindy Wheeler
Cindy Wheeler spent 25 years working as a songwriter and touring rock musician, founding the critically acclaimed bands Pee Shy and The Caulfield Sisters, and releasing three studio albums, multiple EPs, and singles with Mercury Records and American Laundromat Recordings. A recording of her poem “Things You Do on Your Knees” appeared on the album “LIP-The CD With a Big Mouth” alongside poets Eileen Myles, Anne Waldman, and Exene Cervenka. And a recording of her poem “Knee Jerk” appeared on spoken word compilation- “What’s the Word” -alongside the work of musician/songwriters Jello Biafra (Dead Kennedys) and Alan Vega (Suicide). Most recently, her haiku “Covid-Ku” appeared in the “The Best Haiku of 2022 International Anthology” (Haiku Crush). New poems will appear in SoFloPoJo (South Florida Poetry Journal) later this year. For the last 8 years, she has studied at The Writers Studio in New York, working with the founder, Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Philip Schultz, and was part of his Master Class for 3 terms. She is currently working on a manuscript. She is co-owner of the beloved New York City vintage clothing institution Beacon’s Closet and considers herself a modern-day ragpicker. She lives happily in Brooklyn, New York, with what some might say are far too many cats.
